The Baltimore Ravens are going to win the Super Bowl tomorrow. Most aren’t going to like to hear this, but it’s true. And I realize some may be asking how on Earth I — of all people — could possibly be saying such a thing, but it’s easy. I accepted this reality three weeks ago.
See, I love trends. Absolutely love them. They’re the first thing I take into consideration when predicting anything in sports. More often than not, I’m still less accurate than a chimp with a quarter trying to predict the weather, but whatever. I’ll take slightly more accurate (okay, most likely just pretending to be more accurate) any day of the week.
Anyway, one of my absolute favorites right now is the “cold team gets hot at the end” trend. It’s about as tried and true as it gets in today’s NFL (and really all of the “Big 4″ sports outside of the NBA). Makes me look smart as shit year in and year out. Seriously. While the exact team is still an inexact science, the formula is simple: Mediocre team is on the bubble, mediocre team gets hot, mediocre team wins or at least reaches Super Bowl. It seems like a lot of people are finally catching onto this.
’05 Steelers, ’06 Colts, ’07 Giants, ’08 Cardinals, ’10 Packers, ’11 Giants, ’12 ?????
You need certain elements to make it happen:
1. A quarterback that can make a play for you when needed the most
2. A defense that can make a play for you when needed the most
3. Some weird fluke luck that floats around the team that can make a play for you when needed the most
I considered the Ravens for a moment when making my pre-playoff picks, but I’ve always been convinced that could never happen… because come on, they’re the Ravens. They don’t deserve to win the Super Bowl — this year especially. Ray Lewis can’t go out on top. Karma wouldn’t let that happen. God wouldn’t let that happen. Redskins, Seahawks, Texans. Those are the dark horse candidates.
But then I watched those teams start to lose. Then, to my horror, watched Joe Flacco turn into Joe Montana while the defense started to play much better than they did during the regular season. They couldn’t possibly be “the team”, could they?
No, because God would never let that happen.
Sure enough, in the divisional round, the Ravens found themselves on their way home. They were down by 7 with almost a full field in front of them, well under a minute to play, and no timeouts left. Everything was right in the world because there was no way they would find the miracle they needed to pull this out. The Ravens were going to lose. Ray Lewis was going to go out a loser.
But then Rahim Moore blew his cover harder than Ronaiah Tuiasosopo.
I immediately put my head into my hands, started sobbing, and whispering “the Ravens are the dark horse” to myself over and over again in complete and utter despair. This went on for at least 10 minutes straight. I mean, the OT in this game and AFC Championship the following week were just technicalities at this point. The Ravens were going to win the Super Bowl and there was nothing I could do about it.
If you’re asking why this is such a terrible thing, let’s take a look at the facts here:
- Ray Lewis is at worst a two-time murdering, PED-taking, phony evangelical, P.O.S. He is at best a two-time murder-assisting, phony evangelical, P.O.S. The perfect ambassador for a city filled with nothing but murderers and general lowlives. Never mind that he’s the 6th best linebacker playing in this game. Never mind that Joe Flacco single-handedly got him to this point. Never mind that there’s also a safety on his team who was better at his position over the course of his career than Ray Lewis was at his. This is all about Ray.
- Terrell Suggs once punched a girl in the neck and judging by the guns that were seized from him, is likely a terrorist.
- The Ravens once had Donte Stallworth and Ray Lewis on the roster at the same time, setting the all-time record in NFL history for lives ended by players with three.
- The Ravens have the most delusional fan base in all of sports and don’t deserve happiness. This is a scientific fact and cannot be disproven.
- John Harbaugh is living on Brian Billick’s fumes and is the worst coach in the family/game. He doesn’t understand the concept of professionalism. He overreacts to everything. Excessive crying and excessive celebration, because that’s just how Harbs rolls, baby. I can only assume that he’s planning to call the final kneeldown of the game from inside of a Gatorade cooler, completely naked.
But just to really hammer home how awful this will be, let’s actually go through the timeline of how this game’s going to play out. And yep, this is exactly how it’s going to play out. Let’s not kid ourselves.
First will be the introductions. These days, both squads bypass the individual introductions that are more common in the regular season/playoffs/Super Bowls of yesteryear, in lieu of coming out together “as a team”. It’s something I’ve always been a fan of. One team, one heartbeat. Cool, right? The Super Bowl this year is even in the city it started in (via the Patriots in 2001 in Super Bowl XXXVI)! Awesome.
But wait! Fuck that nonsense, pal! Sugar Ray Lewis is in town and you bet your sweet ass there will be an exception this year just so the Notorious R.O.G can save the last dance for his BFF. Because nothing says unity like some circa 2003 Nelly! I’m gonna need more beer and possibly some crystal meth.
Sometime soon after, the chorus from Sandy Hook Elementary is going to be singing “America the Beautiful”. Cool stuff by the NFL. That is, until you realize that Ray Lewis is again going to see this as an opportunity for attention and go FULL Carrie Mathison on us. Oh, yeah. He’s been saving this cry face in his back pocket for years. The big one. Think about that for a second. These kids just experienced one of the worst tragedies in our nation’s history, via a deranged, cold-blooded, lunatic of a murderer who only cared about “glory” and “legacies”. This is going to be a touching moment for them, their families, and the country as whole. Until it’s stolen from all of them by a deranged, cold-blooded, lunatic of a murderer who only cares about “glory” and “legacies”.
At this point, I’ll want to eat my TV.
Next is the National Anthem and, of course, more Ray Ray Face.
After 2 hours of analysis on Ray’s emotions by Phil Simms, the game will finally start. It will be good, just like these games usually are. Both offenses will make plays and both defenses will be physical. It will be really entertaining.
Time to fast forward, though, because this game isn’t about football, silly!
Deep into the fourth quarter — 5 minutes to go, let’s say — the Ravens will be down by 8. No worries, folks! Joe Cool does what he does best (what the hell am I saying?) and drives them down the field with ease.
Surgical. Precise. The New Joe Flacco. Touchdown.
What’s this? They have Suggs in at fullback on this two point conversion attempt! Flacco fak– oh my! Suggs is wide open in the endzone! Look at him froth his rabies all over the camera! And John Harbaugh has replaced his headset with a party hat filled with cocaine! Man, Phil, this is ending is going to be something special.
But Ravens Nation (you better believe there’s a Ravens Nation, jack!) is a little nervous. There are still 3 minutes to go. Kaepernick has played a solid game up to this point. Can the Ravens hang on for OT?
No need to!
Because with a little over a minute left, Kaepernick is going to try to lead one of his receivers inside, but throw it slightly behind where he wanted to. Ray Lewis won’t have done squat the entire game, but it doesn’t matter BECAUSE THE BALL WILL FLOAT RIGHT INTO HIS ARMS! Praise the Lord! He’ll return the INT about 20 yards before collapsing on the field in tears. The Ravens will be in field goal range, run the clock down and kick the game winner with 3 seconds to go.
Roses everywhere will wilt. Doves will drop dead out of the sky. Candy will stop tasting sweet. Children will start crying. Our beer will be flat and cheese plates will be all rubbery. Puppies will commit suicide.
The Ravens will be Super Bowl champions and Ray will get to ride off into the sunset, likely as the game’s MVP. Not because they’re the best team in the NFL. Not because anyone on the team, the coaches, the fans, and certainly not Ray Lewis, deserve it or earned it. There’s only one reason this is all happening.
Because there is no God.