As per usual I will do the mainstream media’s job. I will be ahead of the curve. I will be the only voice of originality in a sea of bland, thoughtless media. Not the Trib, not the backbenchers over at KDKA.
Why can’t Pittsburgh host a Superbowl? Pittsburgh is a great city, with much to do.
Pittsburgh has a great sports history and an amazing cultural district where the knock-off, unlicensed t-shirt entrepreneurs would woo out of town visitors with classics such as “He’s One Bad Ma’ afala” and “Cleveland STILL Sucks”.
Last time I checked there was a submarine parked in the river that you could tour. Who doesn’t want to tour a damn submarine? In a river!
On top of that you can have french fries, and coleslaw ON A FUCKING SANDWICH!
What else am I forgetting? Oh yeah! The incline!
You see what I did there? That’s right! You can ride the incline right up the Mount Rushmore of Sports Traitors.
Now, most football fans won’t recognize those guys because they aren’t football players, but it’s culture dammit, and you better respect that!
All of this comes fully with another service most out of towners will know, and love.
An utter lack of reliable taxi service! You will enjoy having to walk everywhere, because the failure of engineering to build large enough roads will make it completely impossible to attempt driving even the shortest distances.
Pittsburgh is a beautiful city, my home away from home. And it deserves a Superbowl. Afterall, who wouldn’t want to watch a game in this: